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April 6, 2005

The English Language as She is Written

If there's one thing the internet is good for other than porn, it's illustrating how few people still know proper English. To that end, here is a handy cheat sheet.

Its is the possessive of it -- For example, "Its hair was a mile long."
It's is the contraction "it is" -- For example, "It's raining men, hallelujah."

Woman is the singular of women. For example, "I like women, but I only have a woman in my freezer."

To make most words plural, add an s, and only an s. An apostrophe is never used to make a word plural.
To make most word possessive, add an apostrophe and an s.
"That woman's dog humped my leg" means "The dog of that woman humped my leg."
"That womans bike time humped my leg" means "I do not know how to make woman plural."

The -iest suffix is used to indicate that something ending in y is the most (where -est would be used otherwise). For example, horniest, ugliest, skankiest. People with these attributes would be the most horny, the most ugly, and the most skanky.

The -est (or -iest) suffix is not used to indicate membership. To indicate membership in most cases, simply add the "-ist" suffix.

Right: Hobbyist [one who does something as a hobby], lobbyist [one who bribes crooked politicians], cereal rapist [one who molests breakfast foods]
Wrong: Hobbiest [the most hobby], lobbiest [the most lobby]

"I seen" is not English, but Hick. The word you're looking for is "saw", or perhaps the helper verb "have" -- for example, "I saw Billy doin' up Joleen" or "I have seen Billy stickin' a hog."

"U" and "R" are not words. They are letters. Should you wish them to express some idea, place "R" between "A" and "E" to get "are," or "U" after "Y" and "O" to get "you."

Wrong: u r hott!!11111one a/s/l?
Right: You are hott!!11111one a/s/l?

Hopefully this document has been enlightening as to the basic skills of the english language as she is written. Should you require additional assistance, please visit your fourth-grade teacher for more information.

Posted by Colin at April 6, 2005 10:16 AM

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Excellent cheat sheet, Colin. I must insist, though, that you include information on the proper usage of the following:

To: A preposition indicating direction, such as, "Billy Joe Bob went to prison."

Too: An adverb which can describe something which is in excess, or an adverb which can be used interchangably with the word "also." Examples include, "He, too, was too full after having eaten fiften ears of corn." Notice the crafty use of the word twice in the same sentence.

Two: An adjective describing the quantity greater than one and less than three. For instance, "I have two cars up on blocks in my front yard."

Note the improper used of the above-referenced words in the following sentence:

"Lordy, lordy! Those to hotties in the trucker hats are two sexy too describe!"

For fear of overwhelming the fragile minds of those using this excellent cheat sheet, I will refrain from getting into Chapter Two (students, notice the proper usage of the word "two"): "Your and You're: The Battle Between Posession and Contraction."

Posted by: Trinity [TypeKey Profile Page] at April 6, 2005 11:48 AM

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